It’s the beginning of a new year & I’m feeling all of the good vibes that come with the possibility of new — even if it is just another day. It’s a nice feeling after the depression and uncertainty I felt for most of 2024. The election and holiday season took it out of me, but I’m finding my own personal power & thinking of ways to feel that with my friends & my community. Writing has always been one of the ways I have connected to myself & others. Perhaps that is why I feel so inclined to do some writing now & commit to writing for specified hours per week. I’m feeling freshened up in the first few days of the year — my newly injected botox agrees.

The last seven years has opened my eyes to how our voices can really help others. We as humans thrive off of connection & relating with others so we don’t feel alone in the great big world. I have shared the way my journey with sobriety relates to being queer & living with HIV. I get to tell my story to help others find their way with whatever struggles they’re having. In a similar way, I am able to listen to others & not feel so lonely myself.

Looking back on the last year, it feels like I had unexpected struggles with myself. What am I go to allow for myself? What boundaries am I going to put into place? How would I limit myself? How am I letting fear dictate my life?

Well, as we dive into this year with anxiety & are a little unsure about so many things going forward, let me tell you where I’m at today. I’m staying present taking everything one day at a time, even moment-by-moment when necessary. I’ve started to look at people & jobs that aren’t sure about wanting me… I don’t want them—that’s’ very freeing. I’m community oriented while keeping my circle close & small. I’m speaking out hard & loving harder. I’m going to live out loud with a vibrance & unapologetic eccentricity because I’m not hurting anyone by living my truth.

There’s an understandable fear of what could happen with the incoming administration. I have no idea with what could happen. So many unknowns can cause a person much emotional distress. I feel crippled with anxiety to the point I can’t get out of bed. What happens when health care is killed & nonprofits are done for? What happens when our HIV meds are $5,000 per month? These ideas terrify me. They could seem very irrational to some, but I believe it’s completely possible. What happens if there’s an AIDS epidemic 2.0? The answer to my own question is: I really don’t know, but I’m not going to live in the fear of “what if?” Instead, I’m going to do the work & live a full life every day as if it’s my last day on earth.

I was a shell of my true self for a year of my life & I’m done not being my best self for me & I’m done making myself small for others’ comfort. I won’t dim my shine when nothing about me was meant to fit in. I think to the Amanda Bynes masterpiece film “What A Girl Wants” from the early 2000s when Amanda’s character Daphne & her love interest Ian played by Oliver James just climbed back into the boat after falling out: “Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?” That’s the only energy I will have for myself every single day. I’m not upset about it, but I’m sure someone will be.

I’m glad I waited to write this blog entry because a month ago I would’ve come from a place of anger & fear instead of understanding and encouragement. My hope for this year is that our community shows up for each other which will require showing up for ourselves as individuals. Let’s support our safe spaces that have been taken for granted. Let’s support drag & burlesque & show up to fundraising shows even just as a body in the room to cheer on the people for the community. Unity is important to make our community strong.